Life is the worst of battlefields.

I’ve come to realize that I’m not as good a people-person as people think.  Yes, I’m a friendly, bubbly, energetic person.  However, when I come face to face with confrontation or feel attacked, I freeze and instantly do not know what to do. I panic and have an anxiety attack and do not know how to handle anything including that argument.  I don’t mean to cry, but tears just seem to flow once an uncomfortable issue has come into play.  I don’t know what to do and I do know it’s something that must be worked on.

I also need to separate my priorities.  What do I really want?  How do I want to get there? I need to figure out a way to allow myself to feel good without hurting others.  I have a fear of hurting others, meaning I tend to be nice and kind to everyone.  Yet, when I’m too nice and don’t say no when I need to – life explodes.  I go from having so many good things to having close to zero. I don’t know how to tell people what I really think without breaking down into tears.  Yes, that’s part of my anxiety and yes, I know I need to work on it.  But, I’ve learned that life isn’t simple and that these complications will arise more and more as I grow up. Saying sorry and admitting you’re wrong wont solve something that’s already occurred.  I need to make the right decisions to avoid problems from happening in their aftermath – even though problems will occur no matter what.

I am a strong person and I know that.  I’ve been to hell and back numerous, numerous times.  Yet, I need to decide over this winter break what I truly want and how I want to get there. I need to do this and do this correctly.  I may hurt people, I may make people love me more.  However, I need to do what I need to do and separate my thoughts so they don’t explode before my eyes and put me in shock – shock creates tears and embarrassment which I’ve learned I have difficulty dealing with.  I crash and don’t face problems the way I should and now I will fix that.

I need to fix that.

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