Over the past few weeks, I have felt as if every eye is staring at me and every person is judging me. This happens for everyone a few times during a week, when they feel like the world hates them and the day has been ruined for good. However, these feelings of judgment have been different. I’ve begun to feel as if my personable, friendly persona has been ruined due to the thoughts, insults and words of others.
I’ve always had a fear of what others think of me as do many females in this day and age. Yet with Keuka being such a small school, it’s hard not to walk to classes without thinking someone heard something negative about you over the weekend – especially if you’re in an argument with someone else – someone who has a loud voice and likes to voice their opinions. It’s hard not to look down at your feet, hoping not to get any killer glances. Yes, this falls into the mental and emotional issues I struggle with, but it’s also something that many struggle with day to day. It’s called lack of confidence.
After leaving campus and going home for one night, I feel somewhat more relieved and less frazzled and panicked. I needed an escape – an escape from judgmental eyes and voices, school-work stress and bothersome personalities that only lead to weakening confidence. After taking most of the day to relax and refresh, I came back to campus and decided: I cannot continue to worry about what others think. I need to focus on what I want, need and love. All of my life I’ve been laughed at, insulted and joked about because I have never been one to fight back or show that those words hurt me. I’ve always laughed and pretended nothing bothered me. However, there comes a time when all of the bottled up anger and frustration explodes and I cannot deal with those explosions all the time – it’s not healthy or fair.
Therefore, I will do my own thing without caring about the thoughts of others. Harder said than done, but I’ll try. I’ll focus on getting a good GPA, losing ten pounds, getting a literary agent and going to a conference, succeeded further with ‘For the Kids’ and being happy.
Happiness is the most important factor out of them all.